Brighter than the sun
Don't you love it when a song comes on at just the right time? I certainly do. That just happened to me in the car. The timing couldn't have been more perfect on what had been a bit of a lousy day.
But first, it occurs that I haven't written in a little while. Dear diary, the past couple weeks have been fairly routine. My hormone therapy continues, however, it's too soon to notice any changes. I'm approaching the 30 day mark and in a month or so folks may start telling me they see it, but chances are I won't just yet. I recently had my second round of laser hair removal. It hurt just like the first one. As they go on the pain will decrease because there will be less follicles to zap. My laser tech is nice and it's worth the pain. I am broken out and a tad sore from it but that will pass.
Church has been wonderful, work has been good. I have loved the time I've spent with my kids and I have made the most of my time alone. Colorado is a great place to live and my time here certainly hasn't been wasted. I visited my doctor to pick up some paperwork and I will have exciting news in the coming weeks.
So there are days in every one's life that contain struggles. Trans folks certainly are no different. Our struggles are often the same and sometimes difficult. Sometimes we face discrimination, or maybe it's dysphoria about our gender presentation. Maybe we endure bigotry.I faced a struggle today. It was both external and internal.
There is nothing worse than feeling that your loved ones are suffering because of you. Today I had that concern. I felt selfish. Not because I am transgender or because I am open about it. Today I felt selfish because people can be cruel. Not everyone is understanding of Trans individuals. Some people can be down right mean. I know that I am strong enough to endure the hate that the world may throw my way. What I didn't want today is for those who I care so deeply about to have to endure the worlds hate because of me. I didn't want my loved ones to suffer at the hands of bigotry because they support me.
I shared my concerns with those I care about. I told them that I could never hurt myself but that today I felt like they would all be better off if I decided to go it alone. Well I'll tell you that I am loved by some amazing people. I had amazing friends tell me that they support me. People were there to lift my spirits. I realized that the strength I have comes in great part from these amazing people.
Then two of the people that I hold most dear in my heart came to me. They echoed the same thing. They told me that just as coming out was my choice, standing beside me has been there's. And just as I made my decision knowing the risks, they made theirs knowing that it's what they wanted as well. They told me in no uncertain terms that they love me, and that while some people in this world may not be ready for me just yet, that they would be by my side. They told me that I was not selfish to be who I am, but that it would be selfish for me to pull away from people who love me. They told me that my good outweighed the worlds bad.
I am blessed to have family and friends who support me. I would be ready to be myself alone if I had too, but today I thank those who love me for telling me that I will never have too. And that brings me to my drive home. Thanking God for all that I have, asking for a heart to love and thanking Him for being with me. And Colbie Caillat sings on the radio. I don't hear all of it but I tune in just in time. "Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky. Shining how we want, brighter than the sun" as the sun went down over the mountains. So I don't know what tomorrow will hold but I will be here to face it and I won't be alone.
"Nothing is too girly and nothing is too masculine. But I do love color, and maybe that's a little girly - especially pink." Stacy London