My mom is coming to visit tomorrow and I am really excited to see her. As a soldier I don't get to visit family as often as I might like. My mother has been an amazing ally to me and now to this community that I belong too. I am blessed to have parents who are so understanding and supportive.
While I am excited to see my mom I would be lying if I didn't say that I had nerves about it. this will be the first time my mom sees me since my coming out, and the first time she has seen me be myself. My mom has spent a lifetime knowing me as a son. Tomorrow she will come face to face for the first time with her daughter. While I expect that it will be anticlimactic I can't help but wonder what that will feel like, and what feelings she will be having.
I have fears. Mostly I fear that the reality of this will cause her, even if only temporarily, to feel like this is too much for her. I fear that a wonderful reunion will be ruined or somehow uncomfortable. I fear that because I am early in transition and still look the same, she won't be able to see beyond the son she remembers to the daughter that I am today.
With fears come hopes. I hope that she can see how happy I am, how relaxed, and understand that it is because I am completely me for the first time. I hope that if we go somewhere and I wear make up nobody stares and that if they do she will notice as little as I ever do. I hope she says I look nice. I hope she sees that I am genuinely happy being true to myself. I hope that her acceptance deepens.
I am so blessed, so lucky. I know many friends in the LGBT community who have lost communication with their families due to a lack of acceptance. It breaks my heart to hear such stories. My mom has always been there for me and always believed in me. No doubt she will read this post.
My mom chose my middle name for me after I began transition. She chose the name Esther. First, that was my grandmother's middle name. Secondly the biblical woman Esther had a heart for her people and worked hard to save them. My mother knows the heart I have to reach LGBT youth and save them. It's an old fashioned name but I like it. My mom sometimes calls me by that name and coming from her it sounds beautiful. no the rest of you can't call me Esther, but who says no to their mom :)
My mom will be going with me to a very special event, I'll write more about that later, but I am touched that she will be there with me. I don't know what else we will do for this visit. I don't know what will be different. I do know that I love her, and that I could not feel any more lucky than I do to have her for a mom. I did not grow up living as a young girl or teenage girl, but I could not ask for a better role model as I become the woman I was meant to be than my mom. Thanks everyone for reading.
walking because that's what I'm going to do.
"Nothing is too girly and nothing is too masculine. But I do love color, and maybe that's a little girly - especially pink." Stacy London